these unedited events

things will never be the same.

we pretend and act a part to fit into a "used to be."

but once you endure a major event; good or evil, 

things can't just go back to the past.

we are never just the same

collectively we experience and those mold us .

they shape our  character and beliefs.

we will never be the same person you knew.

for better or for worse.

my happy is being threatened

"I promise Des; but if the fighting continues I'm ending us."

I'm sorry for never being good enough.  I constantly hurt you and build up walls.  I get scared around you, you can do the most damage to my broken heart.  So I try to protect myself.  I try to prevent your words and actions from hurting me by making myself stone cold.  And you deserve better, you deserve to feel loved and safe constantly.  The tears falling from your beautiful eyes shouldn't be from my harsh actions.  You are the universe; you have so much beauty and talent, I'm sorry you ended up with me by your side.

You are the source of my smile; but I'm the source of your tears.  I'm sorry

entry

"I fall for you; blindly and carelessly.  I convinced myself you would never hurt me on purpose, that i could pull you from the dark and love your soul enough for the light to shine through again.  I was wrong.  I think with my heart and not my brain; I am led to stupid conclusions that wind to me getting hurt."

another cliche about life

Life is an adventurous journey.

The risks and obstacles in this world meant to be taken, and trusting in those decisions.  It's laughter rising out of your throat, escaping in a roar of joy and happiness.  The tears you shed, to release all the pent up emotions in your hearts.  As they fall, you begin to feel weightless once again.  Moments that captivate us, revealing light and evil and the neutrality of it all.  Life comes into play all over, in many forms

smaller

Troubling thoughts and actions can destroy our minds; however, with a little coffee and sunlight the tribulations will seem smaller and the world will keep standing.

Thoughts. (unedited)

Instead of being asleep I write down the thoughts in my head.

The destructive notions leaving me wide awake and alone with cheap burning candles.

Tears fall along with my heart and you'd think I was traveling through an unbearable break up.

In reality it is just my mind's depart. 

This death; my death, just so happens to be through pen and paper.

This written word should not be lifted up; however, it shall be brought down into its purest form.

n/a

     I am apathetic.

     I used to not be this way; unfortunately, that seems to not be the case.  I used to be full of life and felt happy.  I felt.  But now when I look up to your face; your beautiful face, I feel nothing.  I should feel something.  I should get the butterflies in my stomach and twinkle in my eyes.  But I don't.  Instead I feel apathetic.

     

     I am apathy.

"Snowflake Generation"

If you believe my generation is screwed then listen to me.
     Our rooms are messy because we are too busy fighting for what we believe in.  Our failing grades?  They don't show that we are dumb, rather the only proof they give is that we are protesting the corruption that plagues the system.  The back talking, sass, whatever you would like to call it; is us simply learning we have a voice louder than a whispered compliance.
     Don't you dare say my generation is trashed.  We are learning how to overcome the disgusting oppression we have been buried under for far too long.  Excuse me; my so called "lost generation" and I have equality to fight for.

To Anon.

I want to get drunk.  I want to forget you.  To not remember your smile; that stupid lopsided smile.  The idiotic laugh that is not very melodious, but it makes my heart skip like a smooth rock thrown at the water.  Your eyes that tell every emotion and thought from your beautiful mind.  Every story is told with them.  Your hair is a wreck, but it is something that is perfectly fitting for you.  Wild.  Seeking for adventure.  Your love for the world and special people.  And your skin.  God your gorgeous skin.  I wish I could reach out and touch you.  The warm buzzing feeling.  Instead I welcome a colder and a fiercer buzz.  The lonely alcohol settles in.  I can't forget.  I am in love with you. Yet, I don't want to be.  I wish you were just another pretty face in the crowd.  I wish I didn't know your name.  I wish to forget you.

But only sometimes do I wish such a thing.

If you have never been on a plane I suggest; wait no I demand, you go on one.  The experience of being so high up in the air is truly life changing.  The feeling of looking down on the small buildings and trees and cars is unforgettable. The clouds going past you is amazing.  It will inspire you.  So I demand that you feel inspired

They always tell you when growing up to be creative and find what makes you happy.  Yet it seems that saying's meaning fades as you spend more and more time on this planet.  Do not let age stop you, because for heaven's sake we need more imagination and less destruction.

i am in love with him

You tell me there are more fish in the sea
You tell me that I am a great fisherman
A fisherman who will reel in a great catch
That I have to wait patiently for that moment

And yet, as strange as it is,
I don’t want another

creation

To feel a connection.
To believe in a world that captures the diversity and personality of its characters.
The engagement in life that is unique and daunting.

1/7/17

To you.

You’re an angel fallen down

You have fallen from the sky

(Ruby by Twenty-One Pilots)

You’re an angel fallen down

You have fallen from the sky

You’re the beautiful city sound

And the silence of the trees

You are the beauty of art

But only the frame that held the beauty

But you are not the harsh inked pen

Nor are you the ticking clock in an awaiting court trial

You couldn’t possibly be the birds chirping then

For comparing you to these things would be maddening

You are nothing like the journey in life

Definitely not the jet lagged, sleepless feeling

It is possible you’re the sharpened knife

 Or even the melody in the best song

But of course you can’t be compared

To the sweetened sadness of the night

But I am the small fairy lights to you

The graceful Ferris wheel is my very definition

Yet somehow I’m the one thing you aspire to be

I know I’m not the angel fallen down

I did not fall from the sky

That is all you

That is all you

But I will have you know that I am the warm tea

The herbs and the hot liquid that calms your cough

But of course, you would never know.

Pratice, but not Perfect

It was falling onto the equally white and pale face of a girl. Her paper thin eyelashes would keep fluttering, trying to keep the soft but cold flakes out of her eyes. As she walked; only paying attention at her feet. She was careful as to not disturb the silent storm, she could not see anything. The white skin girl only saw her small and even footsteps leave a now forgotten trail because the freezing powder would soon cover it. There was no eloquence nor grace about her, yet she fools the common eye. Because at night, all alone she would practice for hours just to trick you. The inspiration for this was the shimmering, subtle, silent snow. Focusing every breathe her feet would carry her body through the crystalized beauty. A moment she looked up and noticed that she was moving through a cheap souvenir snow globe. It was so captivating that she lost focus of her practices and stumbled across the bitter snow.
-1/3/17